Changing again......

I am moving in two days.

- Back to the city where we started out here in Wisconsin

- Back to be near my daughter and my small grandsons.

- Back to a city that no longer is home to my Mother.

As I sit here surrounded by boxes and boxes, AND BOXES of my life, I think of all the thnigs that have happened since we moved here.......

* I've changed jobs a few times, finally settling in a job that makes me happy.

* I've become an orphan, losing both my parents, aunts, friends...

* I've made memories of all kinds in this place, and I am hoping that the ones in my heart stay put there, and follow me on this new adventure...

*It's hard to leave behind the place that some of my memories associated with Ma live.

* I will put a new set of the old memories in the new space, and build myself a place to hide them.

After all, memories stored in your heart don't leave unless you want them to, right?

Missing Ma more than usual today........

Almost a new year...............

Life has changed a bit, again............

I am now an orphan.......Daddy died on 06/23/2017, two days before my birthday.

A couple of really good things came out of this...
         
       We had, at best, a contentious relationship for some of my life...he and Ma divorced when I was a very small girl.  I didn't see him again for about 5 years, then only for a few days. 

Then, when I was 16, he sent a plane ticket.  He wanted to get to "know me," he said.

What happened for the next two years is better left unsaid...........and I left his home when I was 18.  I didn't see him again for many years, and that meeting was an epiphany for me.

The years had not been kind to him.  He was an old man, and finally able to understand the hardship I endured for my whole life...........you see, he was now deafer than me.........

God had seen fit to bless him in ways that brought home to him all the sin that was in his life for his whole life.

I was finally able to tell my story in a place that it mattered.  And I finally understood that the fear and the ugliness was at an end for me.  He was no longer 20 feet tall and bulletproof..........

I felt like the weight of the world was gone.  Finally.

The other really good thing that occurred during this season in my life was that I was able to renew a relationship that I thought was gone forever.................the tenuous one that I had started those many years ago with his wife.  She did all she could to love me, and protect me.  In some ways, I must have blamed part of the events on her, when in reality, she was as much a victim as I was.

Anyway, we've renewed that relationship, and it is much stronger now.  She is a lovely woman, with a lovely heart and soul.

She's given me glimpses into the life of the man who was my father, and in some ways, made him more human to me.  He had hopes, dreams, fears, and losses along the way, too.

I've forgiven all of us, and am more than ready to move to new seasons...........

Love, loss, hope, dreams, renewals, cleansing............

All is well with my soul. 

Sometimes I sit here quietly, and think of all the changes in my life in the past year..........

* Ma died......Aunt Marie died......Aunt Esther died.....

*I started my new job.....

*Marek turned 1 on March 2....

*Leo turns 6 in just over a week...

*I haven't seen Chris in over a year.....

*Too many other of the most important people (critters too) in my life are gone now....

It all still hurts.....................

And then I count the many blessings God has given me over the years...

And I smile softly, as the tears fall anew.

After Ma died, I wanted to crawl under a rock and just hide forever.....

After a month or two sitting here trying to decide what direction to go in, (I can't go far, I don't have a car right now) I decided that I would use a talent that I have to try and make sense of it all.

I started thinking about making a quilt.

Here's the first plan:

Then I started working on it.  I got to this point:

And THAT is when I realized that the seams didn't meet where they were supposed to........

So I took it all apart, down to the center piece.  I re-measured some of the yellow squares, and figured out that they were too small in one direction.  Other pieces just plain were WRONG....

As I sat here, re-cutting some pieces, adding other pieces, taking some pieces completely out and changing them.....I thought long and hard about my life and my relationship with my mother.

Over the years, I have gotten some things REALLY wrong..........totally MESSED UP others, and at some points, needed to completely discard parts of my life, and start over.

At these points in my life, I boldly (once or twice) with great fear or trepidation (most of the time) went to my Ma and asked for her advice, forgiveness, or just a hug. 

Ma sometimes cried, sometimes yelled, and sometimes just didn't say anything for a few days.  At the times when she didn't say anything, I knew that she was going to talk to her Boss.........................(She always called Him a Jewish Carpenter),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So, I would hand her tissues, sit with my head hung in shame, or try to patiently wait for her words of wisdom.....

She always came back to me with love, no matter if she cried, yelled, or needed a consult.  

Sometimes we added pieces

And sometimes we subtracted pieces.

Other times we just moved the piece over a bit...........

And she never failed to give me really, really good advice.  99.9 percent of the time, I knew that advice was some she had gotten from her Boss.....

He always knew what advice I needed..................and so did Ma.

I'm getting there, Ma...................I love you...............

We have a new addition!

I welcome Marek Roman, Tobi's newest son.

Born March 2, 2016.

He's growing way too fast, but that's what babies do.....

I'm lost at the moment.................

On April 2, 2016, Ma died.

I haven't been ok since then.

Wave after wave, it hits me over and over that she is really gone.  

I wasn't ready for her to leave me.

SHE was ready to go Home; home to Jesus...... home to Melode, my sister  who died years ago..........home to Walt, who waited for her...........

Every day is an uphill battle..................and every day brings fresh tears..............and every day brings new things that I have to face with just God on my side.

She's never not been there before.

Being Motherless is the hardest role I've ever had to face, and the hardest one to live.

I'm everything I am because of her.................her love, her patience, her tolerance, her lessons, her hugs, and her soft kisses.  

I've faced other losses of deeply loved ones before, but this one leaves me sobbing in a messy heap on the floor, calling her name,

The silence resounds so loudly around me when she doesn't answer my call.

I keep trying to hold onto this verse:

Psalm 116: 15

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His Godly ones.

He comforts me.

I love you, Ma

Ponderings....

"Oh, Gracious God and most merciful Father, which has vouchsafed us the rich and most precious jewel of Thy Holy Word, assist us with Thy Spirit, that it may be written in our hearts to our everlasting comfort, to reform us, to renew us according to Thine own image, to build us up, and edify us into the perfect building of Thy Christ, sanctifying and increasing in us all heavenly virtues.  Grant this, oh Heavenly Father, for Jesus Christ's sake.  Amen"  From the Geneva Bible, 1557

Thought this was amazing...

Ever have those days?

Those days when you wonder what on earth you are doing?

Those days when you wonder WHY you were chosen for the roles you play in your life?

Those days when nothing seems to go the way it should?

Those days when you KNOW you have no wisdom for the situation you find yourself in?

Those days when you are sincerely, honestly, lovingly trying to help someone and it turns around and smacks you in the face?

Those days when all you feel is that you are the lousiest parent, child, friend, follower?

Those days when you just feel beaten down and trampled upon?

Those days when you kneel by your bed to pray and the words just won't come?

Those days when all you can do is cry?


I had those days yesterday.................all of them at once.............


Searching for comfort from God's word, these verses came to me.......

Exodus 3:11 - Moses said, "Who am I to go to Pharaoh?"

Then, Exodus 3:12 - God replied, "I will be with you!"

HE WILL BE WITH ME....

Today won't be so bad.................

Why am I so surprised???

I bought the DVD version of "The Bible" miniseries on Tuesday when it came out.  Started to watch it that night, and got through about the first 5 episodes...

I was really enjoying it, and wasn't real surprised to learn that I already knew most of what was happening, as I've been taught those particular stories for a long time.

Sat down to watch more of it last night, and ended up watching all the rest of the episodes.

I've seen the crucifixion scenes many times in many different films.................BUT.

Last night, for whatever reason (finally must have been totally ready for it) THIS time it was very different...........

I started to sob, heart-wrenching, from the depth of my soul sobs.............and just sat there, horror-struck at what was happening in front of me......

THIS time, it was REAL, very very REAL...........and very, very personal.........

I kept saying out loud, "HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO HIM?"  And then, "He died for ME!"

It really made it very real to me how absolutely unworthy I was for Him to do that for ME.

I just can't imagine how it felt for Jesus to watch all those people who had shouted "Hosanna," reject Him, how it felt for His mother to watch that...............how it felt for GOD to watch that happen to His only Son.......I only know how it felt for ME to watch it.........

I felt like I was there...part of the shouting crowd.............and He still died for me........

I can tell you, I look at my faith very differently now, and I certainly prayed differently last night, in a way I've only prayed a few times..........on my face on the floor...

James 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

NOW I get it.......................

Today, HE has lifted me up.................

My Mother.........A tribute...

4 generations

Ma's 85th birthday 10/22/11

Ma and Leo Cristian 2011

Ma and Tobi Lu 1991

Zach, Ma, and Tobi 2007

Martin, Me and Ma 1991

Ma................ What an amazing woman!

She has always been the strongest woman I've ever known.

I've always believed that she could leap tall buildings in a single bound, and I KNOW she has eyes in the back of her head.  She can also see around corners and through walls!

She raised 4 kids on her own from the time we were very small.

She put herself through school at night, one class at a time, to enable her to get a good job and keep us all fed, housed, and clothed.

Sure, we had to share bikes, shoes, toys, and her, but she never once let us be hungry, cold, or feel like we were not loved to the moon and back.  And we never knew how poor we really were.  She made us the most fortunate kids on earth...

She was Mom AND Dad, and she did a really good job of it!

She faced and endured the agony of losing a baby at 3 months old, but she didn't let it break her.  She only bent a great deal, but managed to find her way back to her feet.

She endured agonies most of us have never known, but again, didn't let it break her.

And she didn't let it show to us kids.

Ma is everything I've ever wanted to be: strong, capable, loving, independent, and joyous.

She knows Jesus personally, and I know that they talk frequently, and I've never known anything that she's prayed for that hasn't come to pass...

She played with us, disciplined us, laughed with us, took us on amazing vacations to very wonderful places, and was there when we needed her.  She cheered us on, helped us back up onto our feet more times than we deserved, chewed our butts when we needed it, and pulled more than one of us out of a pit we had flung ourselves into.

Through it all, she loved us more than we could ever imagine, in ways that we didn't understand until we had kids of our own.

Ma remains to the day, a hero in my eyes and in my heart, and I really need to tell her that more often.
We've come full circle, she and I, and I only wish I had more than all my love to give her.......I can't ever fill her shoes..

I don't get enough time to spend with her, and I can't always express the depth of the gratitude I have for her.
I only hope my own kids see me as I see her......the most AWESOME mother a kid could ask for!

I love you, Ma.

Musings on Concepts...

Faith.... What a simple concept... 

I have faith that the sun will rise in the morning...

I have faith that a seed I planted and watered will grow from the ground and flourish if I take care of it...

I have faith that God exists...

I have faith that Christ died for ME, and all of the rest of the people on this earth..

I had faith that the tiny egg that was fertilized inside of me would grow into a child I would love with all my heart, soul, mind and strength....3 different times.......

If all these things are so easy to believe, then WHY do I struggle to have faith that God is there, willing and waiting for me to ALLOW Him to carry ME?

It IS easier now than it was yesterday to believe that, but still I struggle...

I've laid so many things in my life on His altar.............and some of them I've run back to the altar and picked them up again......only to have God tell me, "I got this."

I have a cross stitched picture on my refrigerator that says, "Let go, and LET God."

Why is that concept so hard???

Guess it's time to get back on my knees before Him again, and again, and again.........

My kids....

Chris - 10; Tobi -3; and Zach - 1

Chris and Vincent

Tobi - 8 months

Tobi and Leo just moments after his birth 4/23/11

Zach - 3 with his chicken pox

Walt, Zach and me at his graduation, June 2012

I was sitting here tonight listening to the laughter of my youngest son and his friend Bradley coming from the living room, and thought about how much more rich my life has been with these kids in my life.

Christopher Robin (Buddy) is almost 28.  My oldest son, with whom I share a very special and complex bond.  He and I were alone together for his first 6 years.  Vincent Robert was born when Christopher was young, and Vincent is now 9.  I shared the moment of Vincent's birth with Christopher.  What an incredibly life-changing event that was for me.  I had no idea that I had a place in my heart that was empty until Vincent was born.

He has always been intensely intelligent, and has by far, of all of my children, the most vivid imagination.  Christopher is an artist, and shares that talent with the world in many different media.

Christopher was the one who helped me make it through my chemistry and math classes in nursing school!  Christopher has been the one I've shared very "out there" conversations with.

Christopher has been, and always will be, a huge blessing in my life.  

October Louise (Monkey, as Daddy called her) and (Tobi Lu as Ma calls her) is 22 and my middle child.  She is the one I've shared special "girl" giggles with, played dress up with, and cried with over many, many experiences.

Leo Cristian was born in 2011, and I shared the moment of his birth with her.  Again, a place in my heart filled up!

October is my daughter, and that bond is extraordinary between us.  She, too, is a huge blessing.

Tobi is an incredible mother to her son, and I've been able to share many of the milestones with her.  Leo is an awesome kid, and I give Tobi much credit for that.  He is articulate and well behaved (most of the time) and I truly enjoy spending time with him.

Zachary Alexander (Zach) is 18, my younger son, and I don't think he really likes being the baby...  He and I share the bond only the youngest one shares with their mother.  He's been a huge blessing as well.  

Zachary has an incredibly musical soul.  He takes after his father in this, as I can't carry a tune in a very large bucket.  Zachary is often found in his room, strumming a guitar; at his friend Logan's house pounding his drums; or singing his heart out no matter where he finds himself.

I love listening to Zach create his music.  Zach has learned many of the songs his father used to sing, and has shared them with me.  Zach also writes music, but hasn't shared too much of that with me.  He will, someday.

Walt wasn't Christopher's father, but we married when Chris was 5.  Walt was an awesome Dad to all of the kids, and for that I will always be grateful.  Tobi and Zach inherited many of their father's traits, and Walt instilled those traits in Christopher as the years went by.  Christopher was truly a child of his heart.

My kids lost their dad when he died on August 19, 2012, and I lost my best friend.  This shared experience has drawn us together in ways we couldn't have imagined.  We've regained parts of our relationships that might have not come back together without this happening.

My kids are strong, independent, and dependable adults.  I'm not sure how much influence I had in this, but I am very grateful...

God gave me a family that only He could have chosen... And I thank Him.

Lightbulb over the head time!! :) Thank you, Journey Church!!

When I was living in Raleigh, NC a couple of years ago, God led me to Journey Church on Spring Forest Road...........            http://www.takeajourney.org/    Please visit their web page!

Anyway, now that I look back on those years, I realize that so much of that part of my life was all part of God's plan to get me into that church.  I can't believe it was meant to be any other way.

I went through a very bad place at that time in my life, with very bad people in it.  God enabled me to escape that particular pit I was in, and I am very grateful.

He put me in the most amazing place with the most amazing people!  When I walked into their building, I KNEW Jesus lives there......

Pastor Jimmy Carroll and his wife Beverly, (wonderful, beautiful, heart full of Jesus kind of people) welcomed me with open arms, and loved me, hugged me, and cherished me in a way that I've never been loved before.  Pastor Jimmy is a pastor who really, really believes and lives that when you say YES to Jesus, it is all the way, every way, all day, every day.  He makes God's word LIVE, and he does it in such a way that it is totally relevant to every single person in the audience.  He also does it in a way that is comfortable when it needs to be, and also uncomfortable when it needs to be.

He just tells it like it is.

Beverly is the most available woman I've ever met.  When she focuses her attention on you, you feel like you are the most important person in her life!  I've been the recipient of that attention, luckily, and that warmth and love emanating from her wrapped me right up, and I can still feel it, 1300 miles away, and a year and a half later!

The people that make up that church also welcomed me, and embraced me.  Nobody there cares what kind of person you are, where you come from, or what your circumstances are.  We are all children of God, and that is all that matters.

But I didn't start this post to expound on how wonderful that experience was, even if it did change my life in ways I didn't know it needed changing....

I left Journey and Raleigh in October of 2011, with the saddest heart...but was following the path God put me on.  Back to Wisconsin to my family who needed me, but leaving a few very important parts of my family behind.... my oldest son, and Journey Church.

We were in the beginning of a series called EPIC, a journey through the bible from Genesis to Revelation.

I really hated to leave in the middle of the series, but God wouldn't wait for me to be ready, He made me leave when I did.

Anyway, last night I went to the church web site, and watched the 3rd part of the series.  I had watched it a while back, and took notes then, and took notes last night.  I found the older set of notes today, and made the most incredible discovery...

I've been doing a lot more "following" than "leading" lately, really praying hard for God to open my heart and mind to HIS will vs. MY will..... 

And last night's watching of that sermon and the question session in the evening made clear to me that I have GROWN in my journey with God!!!  I understood so much more of what Pastor Jimmy was talking about, and I really "got" it more this time.  Talk about amazed!

And I am going to go back and watch all the sermons I've missed along the way... I do this when I feel especially lonesome for Journey and the people there.  And I know I will hear God's word spoken GOD'S way............

God has, and IS filling me up!

I am so thankful for God's grace, and much more thankful for His mercy....

WOW! I sure miss my MIND....

Tuesday afternoon at work, I was sitting there merrily working away....then a co-worker (Mike) walked past my cube, stuck his head in, and said something.  Well, me with my horrible hearing (even with my new hearing aides, I wasn't paying attention) didn't really hear correctly what he said.  

So, I said, "I'll be right there," thinking he told me it was time for a break.

I finished what I was doing, and got up and put my coat on to go outside.  I didn't see Mike anywhere, but didn't really think anything of it.

I got outside, and there were other people out there, so I talked and took my break.  Never did see Mike, but I figured he must have gone out to his truck out front for something, and we were out back.

I went back into the building, and kept thinking to myself, "I wonder where Mike went?"

Sat down at my desk, and continued working.  After a while, another co-worker came up to my desk and mentioned how dedicated I was, to still be there so late...... ?????

I looked at him and asked him, "What do you mean, LATE??"

I then looked at my watch, it's 4:30.....................I usually leave at 3:30...............


I forgot to go home...............DUH....

Some days, I tell ya...  :)

Mike had actually told me he was going HOME...

God showing off again....

Was sitting here after supper, watching the sun and the clouds interact tonight...

It just amazes me that every day is different; colors, composition, length of time He shows it off, and on and on...

Here are some of the pictures from tonight and other nights that I just loved....

Reminds me again that our God is Awesome....

Blessings in my life...

Vincent (My older grandson)

Walt (My best friend for 30 years) who died 8/19/12

 Mom and Leo (my younger Grandson)

Martin (My younger brother) and Leo

Martin's wife and their 4 younger kids

Lori (My sister of my Heart) and Me

Granny and Leo

Tobi, Zach, Robs, and Ma

Toya (who is 21 now)

All my kids and me at Christmas 2012

Angela (An awesome friend of long standing) and me

Robs (a child of my heart) and Me

My precious Petey, who died at 20 - 11/7/11  I still miss him terribly!

Aunt Mollie and Me 1994 - She died 8 years ago...My surrogate Mother

Beautiful Casey, another sister of my Heart!

These are a few of the blessings in my life.....And sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky...